The harsh sound of your alarm going off suddenly jolts you awake. You think to yourself, "how can it be morning already?"
After tossing and turning all night, trying to get to sleep, it feels like you only just succeeded. How can the peace you finally feel be over so soon?
You consider hitting the [[snooze button|Snooze 1]], after all, another 10 minutes can't hurt.
You know you should get up but facing the day feels so hard and your bed feels so warm and comfortable.
A voice inside your head screams, "Nooooooo!" but you summon up all the strength that you have and [[turn off your alarm|Alarm Off 1]].
You jolt up in bed, startled. You reach for the [[snooze|Surrender]] button without thinking and fall fast asleep again.
Why is it so easy to sleep when you have to get up but so hard when you first go to bed? Oh, the irony of it all!
You did it! Finally, peaceful silence surrounds you once again.
Your eyelids feel heavy. So very heavy. They want to shut, close off the pain, the hurt, the feelings of despair and uselessness that fill your entire being. Despair calls out to you, urging you to [[surrender|Surrender]] to the feeling of peace that fills you as you drift off back to sleep.
You [[fight the urge|Wakeup]] and crawl hesitantly out from the safe security of your bed.
You wake up with a start. What time is it?
Your alarm clock says 2pm. You curse yourself for sleeping in. Despair overcomes you. You feel like such a failure. Why does everything always go so wrong for you? It's just not fair!
"Oh bugger!" You curse out loud. "I missed that important meeting I was supposed to go to. It could have helped put my career back on track! Why am I so stupid!?!"
"That's it!" you say, "I'm calling in sick. I'll tell them I have a fever and that's why I slept in. I just can't face the world today. [[Maybe tomorrow will be better|Start]]?"
You sling one leg at a time off the side of the bed, telling yourself that a nice hot [[shower|Shower]] will help.
You realise you really need a [[coffee|Kitchen 2]] but first things first!
The hot water runs down your back, soothing your muscles, washing away your despair. If only you could [[stay in the shower|Keep Showering]] forever. Maybe then the world wouldn't seem so bad, so helpless and futile.
You know you can't stay there forever. There's a water shortage somewhere and your head starts to fill with thoughts of guilt.
Reluctantly, you turn off the tap, step out of the shower and quickly dry yourself.
You feel more relaxed. It makes you want to [[curl up in your bed|Surrender]] again instead of getting dressed.
You [[fight the urge|Dress]] to crawl back into bed. It's not easy to do but it makes you feel a bit stronger again, like you're in control once more.
Pants First Then Shoes
created by Pranee McKinlay
from FutureStateMachine
Your kitchen is an abysmal mess but you try to ignore it. Dishes, dishes, dishes everywhere! Instead, you go to make yourself a [[coffee|Drink Coffee]], just how you like it.
Then you remember that coffee on an empty stomach sometimes makes you queasy... but you love it so damn much! Maybe it's better to have something for [[breakfast|Breakfast]] first? Making breakfast while you're still groggy and half asleep seems so hard to do. [[Coffee|Drink Coffee]] will make everything better.
You still haven't had a [[shower|Shower]], even though you know it helps you to wake up and feel better.
You're convinced! That's what you'll do first!
That feels better!
You glance at the clock and realise that you're going to be late if you don't leave soon.
Your stomach growls at you. You berate yourself for constantly ignoring it. You wonder why you even bother at all. Nothing ever seems to get better. No matter how hard you try. "It's all [[hopeless|Hopeless]] anyway", you think to yourself.
"No time for food now", you still have to clean your [[teeth|Brush Teeth]].
You usually skip breakfast. You know that's not a good thing to do but you never seem to have an appetite for anything anyway. Making food is always so much effort.
You're not sure what you should eat. The cupboard looks pretty sparse because you're often too exhausted to go shopping. You see some [[toasted museli|Eat Museli]] sitting in a jar on the benchtop.
"Museli might work", you think to yourself. Then you remember reading somewhere that it's good to eat something not too carb heavy for breakfast. Maybe you should grab a bowl of yoghurt instead and chop some fruit up to add to it? Add a bit of honey on top, maybe even some nuts or seeds if you have any. Mmmmmmn, that sounds rather [[delicious|Eat Yoghurt]] now that you think about it.
You glance at the clock and realise that you're going to be late if you don't leave soon. You wonder why you even bother at all. Nothing ever seems to get better. No matter how hard you try. Always bashing your head against a wall that rarely ever chips away. "It's all [[hopeless|Hopeless]] anyway", you think to yourself.
Really you just want to drink more coffee, go outside, have a [[cigarette|Smoking]], and go out to face the day.
You drift off into your thoughts, letting your feelings wash away down the drain.
The water turns cold. How long have you been standing there?
You quickly turn off the taps and step out of the shower, reach for your towel, and briskly dry yourself off.
You wrap your towel around you and head towards your bedroom, so that you can get [[dressed|Dress]].
You gaze despairingly at your wardrobe. Having to put on pants in order to leave the house is hard enough, let alone having to decide which ones to wear as well! [[The need for a decision begins to overwhelm you|Take 2]].
Standing naked in your underwear, you realise you have to decide. It doesn't really matter after all. Even if people are judging you for how you dress, it shouldn't matter. Despite knowing that, it still bothers you deep down. You tell yourself, "if they're that sort of person, they'll find something to judge you for no matter what you wear. May as well be comfortable, it helps after all.
You reach for your favourite jeans and slip them on, grab a shirt, and pull it over your head. Once dressed, you head into the kitchen. You're dying for a [[coffee|Kitchen]]!
You stand there, naked and cold, paralysed with indecision.
It all seems too much. You feel silly for being so anxious over what to wear but can't stop yourself from sliding back into a pit of despair.
"That's it!" You tell yourself. "I'm calling in sick. I just can't face the world today. [[Maybe tomorrow will be better|Start]]?"
You go to make yourself a [[coffee|Drink Coffee]], just the way you like it! "That'll help start the day off on a good footing", you think to yourself. "The shower really helped as well."
Then you remember that coffee on an empty stomach sometimes makes you queasy... but you love it so damn much! Maybe it's better to have something for [[breakfast|Breakfast]] first? Making breakfast while you're still groggy and half asleep seems so hard to do. [[Coffee|Drink Coffee]] will make everything better.
You're convinced! That's what you'll do first!
You pour some museli into the first bowl you can see.
You glance at the clock and realise that you're going to be late if you don't leave soon. You wonder why you even bother at all. Nothing ever seems to get better. No matter how hard you try. Always bashing your head against a wall that rarely ever chips away. "It's all [[hopeless|Hopeless]] anyway", you think to yourself.
"No time for coffee now. I'll try to grab one on my way to the train instead."
You know you still have to clean your [[teeth|Brush Teeth]] but you're quickly running out of time. The reminder stresses you out.
You get out the chopping board and look around for some fruit to cut up. You remember that you forgot to go to the grocery store. You feel stupid for forgetting, for not getting it together enough to deal with going shopping.
All you can find is a few seeds and nuts, a bruised apple, and the scrapings from the bottom of a yoghurt pot. "At least there's lot's of honey still", you try to reassure yourself. You pour too much honey on but don't care. Even though the bowl is fairly empty, every mouthful is delicious. You congratulate yourself for making the effort.
You swear to yourself that you'll [[go shopping today|Getting Better]], get some nutricious food to eat. Lots of greens and colours and eggs and maybe a tasty fish to bake..."
You glance at the clock and realise that you're going to be late if you don't leave soon.
You can feel yourself spiralling. You can't bear to think about it anymore. You just want it all to be over.
Why can't it be [[over|No really]]?
You sit down with your coffee and roll a cigarette. You enjoy the tactile nature of rolling, the ritual of a cigarette with coffee. You know it's not a healthy ritual to practice but you convince yourself that it's okay because it's one of the few things you seem to enjoy these days.
Your stomach grumbles at you. You know you should [[eat something|Kitchen 3]] still, and [[brush your teeth|Brush Teeth]]. There's not much time left.
Thoughts of frustration fill your head. "Why am I always so rushed? At least you gave yourself more time this morning. You got up after all. That's got to count for something, right? You had the strength to turn the alarm off instead of opting for the snooze button...
... but then you had to smoke a cigarette and drink coffee instead of getting some proper sustenance. Nice one! Yeah, sure they're addictive as hell, yeah, sure they're a delicious combination. That doesn't mean these habits aren't killing me slowly.
[[Maybe tomorrow will be better|Start]]? Maybe I'll set my alarm even earlier and get up straight away. Maybe I'll try to eat a healthy breakfast and do some stretches instead of resorting to cigarettes and coffee to get me by. Maybe..."
You put some toothpaste on your brush and start brushing. You quickly brush your teeth and look at your reflection in the mirror. For a change, you don't hate the reflection you see quite as much as you normally seem to. You're feeling better than you usually do. "I can do this!" you tell to yourself.
"Maybe today is what matters?" you think. "Maybe I should stop worrying about all I can't change and focus on the now instead. I need to listen to my own advice more, to my intuition, to my heart instead of my head. I'm going to get up earlier, eat better, exercise more. Can't hurt now really, can it?"
[[THE END|Redux New Beginnings]]
"No time for coffee now. I'll try to grab one on my way to the train instead."
You quickly brush your teeth and head out the door. You're feeling better than you usually do. "I can do this!" you tell yourself.
"Maybe today is what matters?" you think. "Maybe I should stop worrying about all I can't change and focus on the now instead. I need to listen to my own advice more, to my intuition, to my heart instead of my head. I'm going to get up earlier, eat better, exercise more. Can't hurt now really, can it?"
[[THE END|Redux New Beginnings]]
The harsh sound of your alarm going off suddenly jolts you awake. You remember that you set it an hour earlier so that you could do some yoga and have time to eat breakfast without feeling rushed.
Instead of hitting the [[snooze button|Snooze 1]], you summon up all the strength that you have and [[turn off your alarm|Alarm Off 2]].
GAME OVER... and this time I mean it!
by Pranee McKinlay
@PraneeMcKinlay
@FutureStateMachine
Thanks for taking the time to play. I hope you got something positive out of this small game or interactive piece of fiction. Labels don't really matter.
Experience matters more.
Everyone experiences moments in their lives differently. Even the same moments. It's all about perspective. That's what makes us all so unique. Despite that, we are all the same in many ways. Many of us seem to forget the vast similarities that people share. Instead, focusing upon the differences.
Let's remember what we share and all join together to make the world a better place for everyone.
One can only keep hoping after all.
You're almost late. The thought makes you feel anxious. Maybe you should [[skip breakfast|Skip Brekky]]. You know that's not a good thing to do but you never seem to have an appetite for anything anyway. Making food is always so much effort.
You're not sure what you should eat. The cupboard looks pretty sparse because you're often too exhausted to go shopping. You see some [[toasted museli|Eat Museli]] sitting in a jar on the benchtop.
"Museli might work", you think to yourself. Then you remember reading somewhere that it's good to eat something not too carb heavy for breakfast. Maybe you should grab a bowl of yoghurt instead and chop some fruit up to add to it? Add a bit of honey on top, maybe even some nuts or seeds if you have any. Mmmmmmn, that sounds rather [[delicious|Eat Yoghurt]] now that you think about it.
You glance at the clock and realise that you're going to be late if you don't leave soon. You wonder why you even bother at all. Nothing ever seems to get better. No matter how hard you try. Always bashing your head against a wall that rarely ever chips away. "It's all [[hopeless|Hopeless]] anyway", you think to yourself.
You remember that you still need to brush your [[teeth|Brush Teeth]].
Thoughts of frustration fill your head.
"Why am I always so rushed? At least you gave yourself more time this morning. You got up after all. That's got to count for something, right? You had the strength to drag you're sorry ass out of bed. Even if it took all the strength you thought you had.
... but then you skipped brekky. You know your body can't function properly if you don't feed it. You know that helps feed your depression. Sure, making food takes effort and you have no energy. Having no food isn't helping you with that. You know this. Why don't you listen to your own advice for a change?
[[Maybe tomorrow will be better|Start]]? Maybe I'll set my alarm even earlier and get up straight away. Maybe I'll try to eat a healthy breakfast and do some stretches instead of resorting to cigarettes and coffee to get me by. Maybe..."
"Peace! At last!" Your mind begins to wake up and chatters away to itself. Stupid alarms are so irritating. I guess that's why they wake you up. Who even invented the first alarm? Maybe I need to ask wikipedia that one day?"
You know you need to learn how to silence your chatting thoughts more.
You've had a few videos of introductory yoga tutorials on your laptop for a while. They sit there making you feel guilty because you know they might help you but you never seem to have the energy to start them.
The School teacher voice in your head says, "Exercise helps to alleviate depression. You should get your yoga mat out and [[give one of the videos a try|Yoga]]. If not that, then have a morning jog or walk. The public pool is nearby, or you could get the bike out. Maybe even ride to work instead of catching the train?"
You know you really have to keep trying, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how hard and hopeless it all seems.
After 30 minutes of awkwardly trying to copy the moves made on the video, you stop. You're a bit worried that your body may ache quite a bit tomorrow but you feel more elated. Better than you have for a while. You're also [[starving|Eat Yoghurt]]! All you can think about is food. It makes a nice change after not having an appetite for so long.
You remember that you went shopping yesterday. It makes you smile. It feels good. You [[congratulate yourself|The End]] for your forethought.
You realise that sometimes it's the small steps, the small changes you make that matter. You need to remember to put your pants on first, then the shoes.
[[THE END|No really]]